That Lil Spark

And that lil spark is a dear friend's daughter, Elizabeth Rose.

The poor girl has grown up without her parents. Her father died in an accident before she was born (he never knew he was going to be a daddy) & her mother passed away roughly 7/8 years ago from heart complications, not helped by her 2 agressive boughts with cancer so she's no stranger to losing her own loved ones.

But she is someone her parents would be so proud of. A kind, thoughtful young lady who slowly is gaining her father's wicked sense of humour.

I opened my mail to find a voice email from her this afternoon. Her grandma emails me often, telling me how she's getting on etc... so I've kept in touch via that way & vice versa. Her family knows what's been happening with me. She told me she was sending hugs to me (I know her grandma told her not long ago about our baby - she just explained that it wasn't her time so she was now an angel). And that she'd lit the candle on her cupcake on the 4th of July (when Ashley would have been born if everything had been ok & according to plan like he thought & not the way things had happened) & sent special birthday wishes to our baby who would be taken care of by her mum until we could be with her again.

To say I'm sitting her crying is an understatement. Sad for our baby but happy too & proud of the kind hearted woman that Liz is slowly becoming. I just know that her own mum & dad would be looking down on her, so proud of her themselves.

For someone who is so young & already lost so much, she still has the heart & kindness to think about others. Even me who I'm sure, she doesn't even remember meeting seeing she was very young the last time I saw her.

So much has gone wrong this year & the last couple of months that I'd been just waiting, searching & hoping for some lil spark in that darkness & that dear child is the one who just gave it to me. I had really been getting to the point where I was starting to just feel like all I was doing was wallowing in all the sadness & not having much at all to drag me through it & out the other side.

Then I heard from that lil angel & her few short words were enough for me to see that maybe we might be due for a change in luck soon. Or at least, I hope so.

Further Down The Spiral ....

What a week!
And I'm not sure which emotion I feel the most at the moment.

The something hubby had to tell me about was that he'd fallen off the wagon & gotten drunk. He came home drunk & walked straight into an AA meeting but to say I was shocked was an understatement.

Also, he still hasn't really dealt with Ashley.
A week ago is the first time I've heard him call her by her name & talk about her (cause I made him ring up the SIDS line & talk to someone cause there's nothing much more I can talk to him about) so we're back in the midst of dealing with everything again. So the last week, I've been crying off & on again which is something I hadn't done for at least 6 weeks. I would get upset, by some thing wouldn't set me off - now everything does again.

Our baby plans are on hold again too obviously.
And this is partly cause hubby has to go in to the docs next month to have a growth removed from his forehead. The doc has been watching it & is concerned that it could be cancerous because he can now see veins below the surface. Hubby doesn't seem worried at the moment but then again I can do enough worrying for the 2 of us.

This next part, I'm a mess over at the moment because I'm happy, but I can't help feeling our loss again too. My closest friend has just told me she's 14 weeks pregnant. I'm happy for her & her husband, don't get me wrong on that. They deserve some happiness - she had a miscarriage last year not long before I found out I was pregnant. But I'm sad too - it makes me think of Ashley & what we should have by now. Maybe it would be easier for me, as tough as it is if I would have had a miscarriage, like the docs were surprised I didn't. Then I would have never seen her on the scans, heard her heart beat etc.... So I'm sitting here, wishing my lil girl was with me & at the same time, feeling like a bitch because I'm crying. I know my friend understands how hard it's all been & I feel lousy because she also told me she understands that I probably aren't ready to talk about it yet, which I'm not.

No, It's Not Easier For Me

I don't even know where to begin tonight.
I've just had hubby on the phone to me, crying down it saying that I may have made it through Mother's Day but that he can't make it through Father's Day.

I don't know what happened today (he's currently on the way home) but for him to think that I made it through last month easily, he is so far off this planet. I don't know how often I've tried to get him to talk & he tunes out or suggested meetings (such as the SIDS father's ones) & he just goes yeah maybe later. There's only so much I can have an inkling of cause I'm not a guy. Just as he's got no idea what it was like for me to carry the baby those few short days, knowing she was gone. Or the experience of giving birth, knowing that when it was all over, they would not be coming back into the room with our baby.

I talk about her & I cry about her all the time because that's the only way I can cope from day to day without falling into tiny pieces or feeling like someone ripped out my heart 24/7. But to think that I've made it through any of it easier than he may have?

And at the moment, every day is harder.
If everything had been fine & I had been just 13 weeks along during that scan, right now, she would be born in roughly 2 weeks. Watching other ladies who were pregnant at the same time start to have their babies & talking about them arriving is almost as hard as it was that first night in the hospital when I was all alone after Ashley had been born.

Hubby is going to be home in about half an hour & wants to talk when he gets home. So I'm just a mess - on top of already feeling like I've been hit by a truck & feeling sick.